


Good love is hard to find

by CaptainGay



Series: Good Love [1]
Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Shark Attack (The Wilds), F/F, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Leah did not find Nora out in the woods either, as happy as they can be while remaining on the island, background Toni Shalifoe/Shelby Goodkind, just gals being pals working through trauma together, the other girls are mentioned but don't play big parts in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29008248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainGay/pseuds/CaptainGay
Summary: Both of them should have seen it coming. They should have known the way they cared for the other, they way the other looked at them, that it was more than just friendship.Fatin had a long history of sexual encounters and could spot sexual and romantic tension from a mile away. Leah knew what it was like to be in love, knew when a look held deeper emotions and lingered too long to be platonic.But somehow they had fallen and neither of them were the first (or even second) one to realize it.
Relationships: Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke
Series: Good Love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2139225
Comments: 55
Kudos: 288





	1. Day 34: I don't do feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Good Love by Aly & AJ. The song gives me total Leatin vibes. TBH, with the exception of Promises and The Distance, that whole album is Leatin vibes.
> 
> This fic is un-beta'd and barely edited. I also wrote the first chapter in only a few hours... (and ignored the long-ass fic for another fandom that I've been working on for weeks cause I binged The Wilds one night and was hooked). If characters are OOC or there's any errors, I apologize and also encourage constructive feedback.
> 
> A note before you dive in: no shark attack and Leah did not stumble upon Nora talking to a tree in the woods (and therefore does not get trapped in a hole in the ground)
> 
> Enjoy! :)

Fatin had always prided herself on her sixth sense. Her innate knowledge on all things sex and romance. She was always able to spot tension first, see the love or lust hidden in someone's eyes, even accurately predict who would bang who way too many times to be considered a coincidence.

She might have just chalked it up to her experiences. Fatin had learned to read the signs pretty fast and pretty early. She needed to know when a guy was actually willing to act compared to when they just wanted to appreciate from afar.

But she liked to think of it as a gift.

It was good for entertainment, too. Placing bets with herself about when two kids from her class would finally stop throwing puppy eyes at each other from across the room and would actually make a move. The drama of knowing which football player(s) had slept or wanted to sleep with which cheerleader(s) and predicting the fallout of it all from merely a glance as she passed them in the halls. It was exhilarating. And she was almost never wrong, though even if she was wrong, she wasn't too far off on the how or the when.

Fatin had given herself a mental high five when the truth about Shelby and Toni came out. Back in the plane, it had been hard to get a read on people, with barely any of them interacting with one another. But then the pageant star had placed her hands on the basketball player's shoulders and  _ hadn't let go _ until a moment after the girl was sitting in the chair at the front. Fatin had made a mental note to herself to check on their situation at a later time.

That mental note had been quickly filed away to the back of her mind as the sudden realization hit that they were going to fucking crash and fucking die. Once they had calmed down a bit, the morning after burying Jeanette, Fatin was finally able to open that drawer and pull out the file she had on Toni and Shelby. Her initial panic had mostly subsided to a persistent rock in the pit of her stomach and she was craving some normalcy. Prying into people's love lives was just the thing she needed.

The little note she made on Shelby's behavior on the plane had soon grown into a stack of papers threatening to burst the theoretical seam on her mental manila envelope by the end of the month. Apparently, she had been the only one to see it. The moment Toni and Shelby had trudged down from that cliff, hand-in-hand, they had told the others about their relationship. Fatin cheered them on while the others met them with a mixture of happiness, surprise, and confusion.

Once the lovebirds were finally comfortable being open around their friends, Fatin started to tease them about how she had her suspicions all along. The pair was shocked and Fatin had to stop herself from laughing too much about how obvious they had been, thinking they were being so careful as if their sudden change in behavior and longing looks would go completely unnoticed. Well, it had gone unnoticed by five out of six of their companions.

So when Toni finally snapped back, her words friendly and teasing rather than hostile and defensive, Fatin hadn't realized how ironic it all was.

"You're one to talk, Fatin."

The words made her brain stumble over itself. Her mind blanked.  _ What hadn't she picked up on? _ Her forehead creased as she tried to think what in the hell Toni was suggesting or thought she knew.

"What?" It sounded so dumb, but Fatin couldn't help the confusion from tumbling out of her mouth.

Toni just raised her eyebrows, obviously thinking Fatin was just acting. She honestly had no idea what the girl was insinuating. But…

"Oh, is this about my flirting with Dorothy? You do know that's all pretend, right? She's like… actually 100% straight. Fucking weird given her Look but… yeah, no, there's nothing there except friendly banter."

Toni just sighed, seemingly insistent that Fatin was just playing it off, hiding her true feelings. It was seriously starting to irk her.  _ What the  _ fuck _ was she missing, here? _

"That's not who I mean and you know it."

Toni was staring at her, peering right into her soul. But Fatin  _ didn't know _ and it was quickly driving her insane. She just blinked back at the other girl.

"Fuck, seriously?"

She had finally gotten how lost Fatin was. The teasing expression turned to concern and Fatin decided she didn't like it any better.

"Toni, what the fuck are you on about?"

Now it was Toni's turn to look confused. Fatin would normally have laughed it all off and gone about the rest of her life like it was nothing. But there was something about Toni's expression combined with the fact that Fatin was actually stumped, which made her remain where she sat, intent to hear her out. Laughter could be heard amongst the rest of the girls a couple yards away, but Fatin couldn't find it within herself to care about whatever joke she had just missed.

Toni lowered her voice, as if they weren't already far enough away from the others not to be heard, "what exactly do you think your feelings are for Leah?"

Leah? Where had that come from?

That didn't make any sense.

Fatin cared for her, obviously. Loved her, even. But she loved all the girls. They were a better family to her than her parents had been, and she knew that sentiment was shared.

She knew Leah relied on her more heavily and almost exclusively compared to the others. None of the others believed any of her paranoid conspiracies. Though, Fatin wouldn't say she believed them rather than believe the individual points Leah made were logical and admittedly strange, but the connections she made between them were iffy at best and at worst led to horrible downward spirals.

And Fatin was the only one who knew how to handle those spirals. She knew when Leah needed a hug, to go for a walk, to journal out her objective observations, when she just needed to eat something or drink water. When she didn't know what to do to help, she was the only one able to get Leah to express what she wanted instead of stewing in silence and making matters worse.

Fatin didn't mind any of it. She couldn't stop herself from reaching out to brush a stray strand of greasy hair out of her face, from rubbing gentle circles on her back, from holding Leah's hand to stop her from ripping her entire eyebrow off. She needed the physical contact just as much as Leah did.

As much as she labored over her, Fatin never resented Leah for it, she had liked it even, found comfort in it. The moments at night when Leah's breathing finally slowed and deepened brought Fatin a sense of calm, made her smile as she wrapped her arms tighter around the warm body against her front. Those small smiles she could coax out of Leah with corny and lame jokes were the best she had ever seen and set her heart ablaze and she couldn't help but think that she would be okay, that they all would be okay if she could just keep Leah smiling like that.

"Oh, fuck," Fatin said at the same moment she let out a deep sigh.

Toni sat back, letting Fatin wrap her head around everything she had just realized. Fatin glanced over at the others sitting around the fire. Their smiles were shining, but none was brighter than Leah's. Fatin felt her own mouth turn upward at the sight. Her happiness was caused by seeing how normal Leah was acting and feeling.  _ Shit. _

Fatin turned to Toni, shoving her shoulder playfully. A grin spread across the other girl's face.

"When the fuck were you gonna tell me I had feelings for Leah?"

"I thought you knew," she said it teasingly, but Fatin could hear the unspoken apology behind it.  _ Sorry for intruding. _

"Fuck, man. I thought I knew, too. Well, I didn't  _ know  _ that I – well, you know what I mean."

Toni just gave her a reassuring smile. Fatin thought absently about how much Toni had changed the past few days. Since her outburst during the shelter building conversation, she hadn't really lashed out like that at the others and they had figured out later that Toni had been consciously making an effort to control her anger or at least let it out more productively.

But recently, somewhat after the first time she and Shelby had kissed, and certainly after they had revealed their relationship, Toni had been more open and caring with the others. Not that Fatin didn't think she hadn't cared before. But she was nicer and kinder now without someone having to break down her walls first. She was still fiery and stubborn and threw the teasing insults back as easily as before. But it was all softer now and it was plainly obvious to see the love behind all her actions and words.

It wasn't entirely Shelby's doing. It was all Toni. She was putting in the effort to change herself for the better. Fatin would guess it was a mixture of Shelby, Martha standing up for herself, and the fucking isolation of the island that were the main driving factors in giving Toni the push to start working on herself. The results were noticed, appreciated, and enjoyed by the other girls.

Fatin wondered if she had changed as well. She certainly felt as if she had. In the beginning she had been a lazy, selfish bitch. She had her reasons, but Fatin knew it didn't excuse her behavior. But then she had "gotten lost" (she just went for a walk and the others overreacted, which she knew was a lie, they had a right to be concerned). She hadn't fully grasped how much it had fucked Leah up until the following night.

Fatin was usually a deep sleeper, so she had found it odd when she woke in the middle of the night. She had shrugged it off and was about to roll over and go back to sleep when she heard the unmistakable sounds of someone crying. She looked around to see that the sniffling was coming from Leah.

All of the girls slept practically on top of one another in their shelter, there being very little space underneath their makeshift roof. Leah was sitting as far away from them as possible while still remaining by the fire. In the low orange glow, Fatin could see the shimmering lines down her cheeks from the endless flow of tears. Her knees were tucked up into her chest and the tiny flames danced in her startling blue eyes as she stared into the fire. Her body shook with silent sobs, hands scratching at her arms, and Fatin knew from experience how hard it was to try to stay silent as she cried, for fear of alerting someone.

She moved as if on autopilot, not entirely sure what it was exactly that made her stand up to go sit next to Leah. The girl had noticed her presence immediately. As Fatin sat down next to her, she wiped at her face, trying to rid herself of the evidence of her tears. Fatin thought for a second about cracking a joke but realized it would be insensitive. She settled on something simpler.

"Hey."

Leah's eyes darted from the fire to the person sitting next to her, then back to the fire.

"Hey," she repeated back, her voice a whisper and thick with emotion.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Leah shook her head. Fatin was okay with that, though she wished she could help.

Then, Leah opened her mouth. She shut it immediately. Fatin looked over and observed the scrunch of her nose as Leah thought over what she wanted to say.

"I know we already, like… made up about it. But I can't stop myself from reliving those moments in the forest, searching for you."

Fatin's stomach dropped. She could tell Leah had more to say, but didn't want to push her. She shoved aside the words that came to mind.  _ Don't blame yourself. I'm here. We're okay. _ She let Leah talk it all out.

"I just felt so… guilty. I was so fucking stupid and I pushed you and then you got hurt and then you disappeared and I… it was all my fucking fault."

She stopped, taking ragged breaths. Fatin wanted to reach out, place a comforting hand on her shoulder. Besides that one hug, they hadn't really touched since. Neither of them were sure how to initiate friendly contact like the others did so easily. Fatin restrained herself.

"I couldn't stop thinking about it. How if anything had happened to you out there, that it would be my fault. Again." She choked on her words, but took a shuddering breath and continued. "Then we found you and you were fine and I felt like I had blown it all out of proportion once again. I still feel so fucking stupid."

Tears were falling and Fatin couldn't stop herself from scooching closer and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. Leah hesitated, but the moment passed and she leaned into the embrace.

"You're not stupid. You were fucking brave. I know the others initially wanted to go back, but you pushed on. You kept going even though you were tired. Honestly if you hadn't shown up I might not have realized how late it was getting until I was in the middle of the woods, lost in the dark."

Leah looked at her and she could see the doubt in her eyes, though the tears had stopped, so she counted it as a small victory.

"And it wasn't your fault. I was bein’ a bitch. You pushing me was as much my fault as it was yours." Leah snorted in disbelief, but did not respond. "And it was my own decision to go into the woods. I could have turned around and come back, but I just kept going. You didn't force me to do any of that."

Leah's head had come to rest on Fatin's shoulder at some point. Fatin didn't want to break the contact, ruin the moment, but she needed Leah to believe her. She shifted away slightly. Leah looked over at her as she had expected (hoped) she would.

"Leah, you are not to blame. So please don't blame yourself."

The eye contact didn’t last. Blue eyes found the flames once more. Fatin tucked a finger under Leah's chin, turning her head to face her.

"Leah. I need you to listen to me."

She nodded. Fatin was relieved when she didn't see the doubt, the disbelief in the bright blue eyes that stared back. She dropped her hand from Leah's face and gave her a soft smile.

Leah squinted and her nose scrunched and she let out a big yawn. It was the softest Fatin had ever seen her.

"Come on, let's get you to bed."

Leah grumbled but followed her back to the others. Within moments she was fast asleep.

After a few days of hesitant interaction, the two of them bonded fairly fast. Then, after the day of false hope of a rescue, Leah started having more outbursts, when the thoughts in her head came to the boiling point and the others thought she was officially insane. But never Fatin.

Leah's mental health wasn’t  _ slowly _ getting worse any more. Fatin was beside her the whole time, gently easing her off the precipice in her mind, getting her to come out of her shell long enough to hold a conversation and exchange a few laughs, holding her at night until she could fall asleep. She didn't dare think about going back to doing nothing.

A small kick to her shins brought Fatin back to the present. She looked up at Toni, grateful to have been dragged from her thoughts before something embarrassing happened like one of the other girls asking what she was thinking about.

"So, are you gonna tell her?"

Fatin frowned involuntarily, causing Toni to tilt her head. She looked over at the others again, eyes intentionally landing on Leah. Her smile was easy and not forced and she laughed loudly along with the others. She was even letting Martha touch her, the two of them pressed side-to-side with their arms locked, and didn’t look at all uncomfortable about it.

The past day had been one of her good days. Ever since the plane had come and gone almost two weeks before and Leah had practically tried to drown herself, she had taken a sharp plunge into the darkness of her mind. The bad days were really bad and the good days were a rarity.

A strand of brown hair had come loose and was blowing faintly in the wind. Fatin’s hand itched to brush it away and tuck it behind her ear. Leah reached up and pushed the errant strand away herself. It was a small moment, but Fatin couldn’t help but hope it was a sign of progress. Most days Leah didn’t have the energy or mental capability to take care of herself, even to do little things like keep her hair washed and in a ponytail.

As if she could feel the eyes on her, Leah looked over at Fatin. She didn’t seem to notice, or perhaps hadn’t minded, that Fatin had been staring at her. She gave her a small smile, which Fatin returned readily. Someone cracked a joke and Leah turned her attention back to the group. Fatin didn’t look away just yet.

“No.”

“What? Why?”

Fatin looked at Toni. She knew where her friend was coming from. The island was a lonely place, but it was also a place free from the pressures and expectations back home. It was a place where the girls were learning to love themselves and where they all had learned to love each other. What was stopping Fatin from trying for something that could be good?

“She doesn’t need that right now.”

The look on Toni’s face only grew more confused.

“Leah’s just got too many things on her mind. Her… obsessive thoughts about the island are already too hard for her to control and all that damage from Jeff… she doesn’t need me unloading my baggage on her as well.”

“It's not  _ baggage _ , Fatin.”

“Well, it's a burden either way.”

“Love isn't a burden.”

Toni had said it so assuredly, like it was a fact. Fatin wasn’t so sure. She wasn’t even sure she could call it that.  _ Love.  _ The thought terrified her. None of her hook-ups were love. What her mom and dad had was called love, but sure as hell didn’t look like it. Couples at school were quick to say they loved each other, but would break up days later. The word sounded meaningless.

“How can you be so sure?” Fatin hadn’t meant for it to come out as harshly as it did. Toni was struck by her words, but didn’t appear offended, just sad. For Fatin.

Fatin looked out at the ocean. She neither wanted or needed her pity.

“How can you be so sure she doesn’t feel the same way?” It made Fatin look back at Toni.

“So what if she does?” Fatin didn’t believe her and wouldn’t dare let herself think it could be true. “Wouldn’t that just make it worse?”

Toni didn’t reply, so Fatin took it as her queue to elaborate.

“Say she does feel the same, what then? Not only would she have to keep dealing with the shit already going on in her head, but she would have to worry about my feelings, too.

“I don’t want her to feel more guilty than she already does. I don’t want her to worry about doing more or saying more just to prove to me how she feels. I don’t want her to feel like when she’s too much, too messy... When her mind gets dark and she can’t take care of herself, I don’t want her to worry that it will push me away, that it will make me…  _ feel  _ for her less.”

Fatin hadn’t realized she had been fidgeting until Toni laid a hand on hers.

“Okay.” It was soft, understanding, reassuring. Toni  _ got _ it.

“Hey, you two gonna freeze your asses off over there all night?” Dot called out, breaking the quiet little bubble around them.

Toni made some sort of jokingly reply and walked over to the others. Fatin wasn’t really listening, but followed anyways. Her legs automatically took her over to Leah, who scooted over into the spot Martha had just left and patted the ground next to her.

Fatin plopped down ungraciously into the sand. Her conversation had sapped a lot of strength out of her even though it hadn’t really lasted very long. The second her butt hit the ground, Leah had molded herself into her side, entangling their arms much the same way she had been with Martha moments prior. But then a warm hand slipped into hers, fingers entwining, and Fatin  ~~ feared ~~ wondered if Toni had been right.

“You okay?” Leah whispered, resting her head on Fatin’s shoulder.

“Hmm?” Fatin had half heard her, staring at – but not really observing – the other girls carrying on conversations around them.

“You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to. You just seem a little… reserved, I guess.”

Fatin didn’t want to  _ not  _ tell her, but she couldn’t really say “ _ oh Toni was giving me love advice about you _ ” because that was exactly what she didn’t want Leah to know.

Taking Fatin’s silence as an answer, Leah continued, still whispering.

“You know I think it's good for you… not the reserved part. I just mean... talking to Toni.”

“What, you finally have enough of me talking your ear off?” The joking came easy. Fatin had years of practice of hiding her true feelings behind (usually lewd) banter.

Leah’s laughter was silent, but Fatin could feel it as it shook through the body against her side, could feel the smile pressed into her shoulder.

“I just think it's important that you talk to other people besides me.” The ease at which she said it was an attempt to cover the depth of what she meant. Fatin saw through it, not that Leah was trying much to hide it. Not to her.

Fatin feared it was because Leah felt like she wasn’t  _ letting _ Fatin talk to the others, that she was unintentionally making Fatin worry so much about her that she forgo-ed making connections with anyone else. It wasn’t entirely true, but it certainly wasn’t Leah’s fault. Sure, Fatin didn’t interact with the others as much as those six interacted with each other. But she  _ had  _ been talking to them, making connections, forming friendships. It was just that Leah was the one she wanted to interact with the most.

Fatin couldn't believe she hadn’t realized it sooner. Her feelings. She was like a goddamn love psychic and was somehow totally blindsided by her recent realization. (If she were honest, she would say it was because she was actively ignoring it, pushing it down after what had happened with her father.)

But it wasn’t about her. It was about Leah. She needed to dispel any doubts the girl had in her mind. Fatin wasn’t very good at sappy shit, so she turned to what she knew best.

“That’s not true. I totally talk to other people. Uh, Marcus? He and I got this, like, unbreakable bond, ya know?”

Another smile pressed into her shoulder. One sprung up on her own face, as well.

“You know what I mean,” teasingly annoyed.

“Yeah, I know,” she said more seriously, giving Leah’s hand a little squeeze. Leah squeezed back. A pause. “I do talk to the others, though. Talk to Dottie a lot.”

“You mean you  _ flirt _ with Dot.”

Fatin chuckled, blowing air out her nose. She looked at Dot across the fire. Her head was thrown back and she had a few tears in her eyes from laughter. It was a happy sight, the most relaxed Dot had probably ever been.

“All in good fun. We do have deep conversations sometimes. Though I can never get her to sit still for very long.”

They both laughed slightly at the memories of Dot running around keeping everyone else in order. A far cry from her sprawled out in the sand now, looking almost as if she hadn’t a care in the world.

The laughter between them died quick. They stared into the fire, the sounds of the other girls laughing and chatting seemed far away even though it happened all around them. Fatin felt Leah trace her thumb across the back of her hand. It was slow and soothing. Then it stopped. Fatin peered down and saw that Leah had fallen asleep.

Her closed eyes and relaxed expression as she breathed deeply against her side only seemed to accelerate Fatin’s racing heart. A little breeze ruffled her hair and sent a tendril falling down her face. Fatin reached over with her free hand to tuck it away. Her touch lingered a moment too long. She pulled away.

She looked back at the fire, at her friends. Dot was posing for Nora to sketch her, earning a few laughs from the otherwise silent girl. Rachel was laying on the ground staring up at the night sky, almost like she was meditating or some shit. Martha was explaining some of her culture and traditions to Shelby who was sitting with rapt attention, trying to absorb every word. And Toni was sitting beside Shelby, hands playing with the sand under her, looking over at Fatin with a slightly teasing, yet reassuring smile.

As the minutes passed, they all grew quieter. At some point, the conversations had all come to a close, but none of them wanted to be the first to call it a night. Fatin rubbed her thumb back and forth against Leah’s hand still in hers. It had gone slack since she had fallen asleep and was a bit sweaty, but Fatin didn’t want to let go.

“All right, I’ll be the first to say it,” Toni spoke up, softly enough not to startle anyone. Fatin worried for a moment she was going to say something about her and Leah, but she knew Toni wouldn’t do that. “I’m going to bed.”

“That’s it? That’s your big announcement?” Rachel deadpanned. The malice that was there the first few weeks had long since dissipated.

“Yep.” Toni popped the P at the end.

She stood and brushed the sand off her backside. Shelby stood as well, Martha quickly following suit with a yawn. It didn’t take very long for the others to do the same. At the end, it was just Fatin and Dot still awake with Leah out like a light, practically her entire body weight leaning against Fatin’s side.

“You need any help moving her?”

Fatin looked over at Dot, who was staring at Leah. She wanted to say no immediately, not wanting to ask for help. But she held back, doubting she would be able to move her on her own if she couldn’t wake Leah easily.

“Maybe. I want to see if I can get her to move first.”

Dot nodded. She looked at the fire, then back to Leah. Fatin could tell there was something she wanted to say. If Toni had spotted Fatin’s feelings, had Dot done so as well?

“She looks so peaceful.”

That wasn’t what Fatin was expecting.

She looked down at the girl on her shoulder. If it weren’t for the sunburn, peeling skin, missing chunk of eyebrow, and chewed raw bottom lip, Fatin would say it was the most undamaged she had ever seen her. Without the lines of worry on her forehead and look of doubt and fear in her eyes, Fatin could almost imagine how happy she might have been if any of that shit hadn’t happened. No island, no plane crash, no  _ Jeffrey _ . She seethed with unbridled rage even at the thought of his name. She kept it in check.

“Yeah, she does.” She drank in the sight of her another moment longer. “Time to wake the bitch up.”

She nudged her shoulder gently and poked at her leg with her free hand. Leah groaned.

“Leah, we gotta get you to bed.”

“Five more minutes,” she grumbled and buried her head in the crook of Fatin’s neck.

Her heartbeat thrummed in her ears, but she persisted.

“Come on, sleepyhead. It's just five feet away.”

Leah didn’t respond and Fatin thought she might have actually fallen back asleep. But then she sighed and removed her head from Fatin’s shoulder. She cracked her neck and Fatin shuddered at the sound.

“Sorry,” she mumbled out.

Fatin stood, not bothering to undo their hands. She tugged gently at her arm, standing in front of Leah. The girl on the ground extended her other arm and Fatin took that hand. She hoisted Leah up to her feet and guided her over to the little shelter.

Leah sat on the ground, grabbing one of the sweatshirts they used as pillows, and began to make herself comfortable. Fatin glanced over at Dot, who was trying and failing to hide how much she had been staring at them.  _ Of course Dot knew _ .

“You coming to bed?” Fatin asked, not caring how suggestive she could have made it sound.

“Nah, gonna take first watch. Not tired yet.”

“Okay, wake me up if you need me.”

Dot nodded.

Fatin laid down, getting into her usual position behind Leah. Something held her back from getting as close as she normally did, though. She didn’t wrap her arms around the girl’s waist and hold her flush against her chest. It felt  _ wrong _ somehow, like she was taking advantage of Leah.

Since her revelation earlier in the evening, Fatin had been hyper aware of all physical contact with Leah. Every inch of her body that had been pressed against Leah’s had burned, but only ever in a good way. What surprised her was that the sensation was familiar. She had felt it for a long time, but didn’t know when it had started. She always used to brushed it off as body heat.

It was their routine, she knew, for Leah to fall asleep in Fatin’s arms. To have her there to ground her to reality, keep most of her demons at bay while she slept. But she felt like a creep. She felt like Ian who had used Leah’s vulnerability to get what he wanted from her. She didn’t feel on the same level as Jeff, but she still felt awful.

The gentle rise and fall of Leah’s chest made Fatin believe she was already asleep. Perhaps, at least for that night, Fatin wouldn’t have to hold her. She needed to get her self-loathing in check before she could feel moderately okay initiating that kind of contact.

But then Leah rolled over and faced Fatin. She was caught staring into blue eyes that shone even with the light of the fire hidden from her face. Fatin swallowed and really hoped Leah couldn’t hear her heart threatening to beat its way out of her chest.

Leah shuffled closer and for a split second, Fatin was worried she was about to kiss her. Their faces were dangerously close. Leah picked up Fatin’s arm and laid it over her shoulder. She placed her own hand on Fatin’s waist, gripping her shirt, and interlocked their legs. She finally tucked her head under Fatin’s chin and let out a breath against her chest.  _ Oh.That was new.  _ They had always spooned before (Fatin was always the big spoon).

Leah was technically taller than Fatin, though not by a lot. It didn’t stop her from curling up against Fatin like she was a whole head shorter. Fatin found it endearing and  _ shit, she really was in deep, wasn’t she? _

  
Fatin let out a sigh she didn’t realize she had been holding. Her hand rubbed small circles on Leah’s back. The hand that had been gripping her shirt let go and moved in between them. It came to a rest, palm placed flat against Fatin’s shirt, just under her sternum. If Leah noticed her rapid heartbeat, she didn’t acknowledge it.

The puffs of breath against Fatin’s shirt eventually slowed and deepened. The hand pressed to her abdomen went lax, sliding further between them. Fatin continued rubbing circles on her back, more to keep herself grounded than anything.

Fatin was tired, had been tired for a while, but found sleep difficult. She gave up trying, instead deciding to stare into the fire. She couldn’t stop thinking about what Toni had said.

_ What exactly do you think your feelings are for Leah? _

How had Fatin not seen it, not realized it? She could spot a guy who had the hots for her from across a dimly lit room. She could feel the reaction of her body to the sight of attractive people, to their touch. She always had known who she wanted and damn it, did she go after them.

Then there was Leah, the only one to make her way into Fatin’s heart and mind (almost) entirely unnoticed. (She said almost because she wasn’t blind. The girl was damn hot and simultaneously exceedingly cute.) Perhaps it was different. The people before were just a distraction, just some harmless fun, or a release. She didn’t  _ do _ feelings before.

Suddenly it was too much. Fatin didn’t know what the fuck she was doing. A painful idea entered her brain. What if it was all fake? What if this was just some fucked up coping mechanism, latching onto the only girl she had sort of known from before? What if when they finally returned home all these feelings Fatin had just disappeared?

No. Fuck that. It was real. It was the realest thing she thought she had ever felt. But she couldn’t call it love. She didn’t know what else it was and she didn’t know what to do with it. Whatever she did, she wouldn’t turn into her father. She was damn sure of that. If that meant never telling Leah how she felt, never having to worry about breaking someone’s trust like that, then she would take her feelings to the grave.

Her thoughts turned to her father. What he did to her, to her mother, to all of them. And then the audacity to blame it all on Fatin? To threaten to kick her out for  _ his _ choices? Maybe she hadn’t gone about things in the best way, but it wasn’t right that he placed the blame on her alone.

A drop of something wet on her cheek. For a split second Fatin wondered if it had started to rain. She opened her eyes. No. She was just crying.

“Fatin?”

The whisper came from across the fire. Dot was looking at her with a furrowed brow and concern in her eyes.

Fatin thought about ignoring it. Just pushing it to the back of her mind and forcing herself to fall asleep. It wouldn’t work.

She disentangled herself from Leah as carefully as she could. The girl wasn’t a heavy sleeper, but if Fatin was gentle, she wouldn’t be disturbed. It had worked the few nights she woke suddenly with the urge to pee.

Once she was in the clear, Fatin took a seat beside Dot and the fire. A couple more tears fell, but she didn’t have the energy for a full on cry. She brushed them all away.

“What were you thinking about?”

Fatin looked over at Leah. All she could see was her back. She looked for even breathing, relieved when she saw the steady rise and fall. No nightmares, yet.

“Was it about Leah?”

She chewed the inside of her cheek.

“Not really. I mean, yeah kinda, but no… I was thinking of my –” She stopped.

Dot placed a hand on Fatin’s knee.

“My dad’s a piece of shit. He fucked so many women behind my mom’s back. And do you know what he said to me after I found out? He said we were the same.” Fatin felt sick at the memory.

“You aren’t like him.”

“How would you know?” It was harsh and it immediately stabbed at Fatin’s heart. “I’m sorry.”

Dot squeezed her knee, letting her know she wasn’t angry.

“How do I know we aren’t the same? I’ve never been in an actual relationship before. I don’t do feelings. Never have. Who’s to say I won’t ruin her like he ruined my mom?”

“I know you, Fatin. I can see how much you care. And the fact that you know what he did was wrong when he still thinks it was justified, that just proves to me you’re different from him. You wouldn’t hurt Leah because that isn’t who you are and you’ve seen the damage it does to people.”

Dot made good points, Fatin could admit that. She would never hurt Leah intentionally. But it still gnawed at her.

“I’ve slept with so many people.”

“Fatin, she isn’t going to judge you for that.”

“I know, it's just… that’s all I know. I don’t know how to be someone’s girlfriend. I only know how to be someone’s hook-up.”

“Fatin…”

Before Dot could finish, Leah jolted in her sleep. Fatin rushed over and laid down behind her. She took Leah’s hands in her own and eased the clenched fists open. She leaned her forehead to the back of Leah’s head and whispered soothing words in her ear. Leah shivered in her arms, but not from the cold.

After a few minutes, Leah’s body relaxed and her breathing returned to normal. Fatin let go of her hands and slid her arm around Leah’s waist instead. Her talk with Dot eased some of her worries about turning into her father. But she was still wary it would happen unintentionally.

Fatin fell asleep before she could dwell on the What Ifs. The night passed quickly with neither Leah or Fatin getting woken up to switch shifts with the person on watch.


	2. Day 38: She's like, my favorite person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I originally planned for this fic to be 2 chapters long (with the possibility of a third "bonus" chapter). Buuut I wrote more than I thought I would, so I guess I have to write another chapter (sorry, not sorry) before I think about writing an extra one

Leah was going crazy. She could admit it this time. She was going crazy, analyzing every little detail, and wondering what caused it all. But it wasn’t about the island, though that did still bug her. No. This time Leah was going crazy and it had everything to do with one Fatin Jadmani.

Leah didn’t know what it was, but Fatin had been acting differently. Almost like she was avoiding her. But then Leah would sit next to her, lean into her side, and Fatin would wrap an arm around her shoulder like she always did. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were the same. Fatin would grab some food and water for Leah first before herself. At night, Leah would cuddle up against Fatin and she would hold her until she fell asleep like she did every night for the past two weeks.

And yet Leah couldn’t help but feel like something was off. Fatin wouldn’t automatically ask to trade tasks with people when she and Leah were assigned to spend the entire day miles away from each other. She would greet Dot first when she got back from collecting water or searching for food. She wouldn’t jump to her feet to walk the twenty feet back to camp with her when she spotted Leah arriving after her tasks across the island. She didn’t hover as close or loop arms with her when they went for walks. (She used to think the hovering was annoying, claustrophobic. But when it stopped, she discovered she missed it.)

Her eyes were different, too. It was almost like Fatin was in pain. Whenever Leah had asked her about it, Fatin always came up with an excuse. She stubbed her toe, she was getting hungry, her sunburns were peeling, her underwear was chafing. Leah could tell she was lying, but she didn’t know what was so bad that she had to hide it from her. They told each other practically everything. They _used to_.

It all started four days ago, after Fatin had talked to Toni. Whatever it was that they discussed had caused her change in behavior. Her brain suggested Toni was a spy, feeding Fatin information that would cause a rift between them. But then Leah paused, detached that thought from every other theory about the island. What would Toni’s motivation be to do that? She had no reason to sabotage their friendship. Neither Leah or Fatin posed any threat to Toni’s sisterly bond with Martha or her romance with Shelby (Leah wasn’t straight and neither was Fatin, but Shelby was head-over-heels for Toni and even Toni knew nobody on the island would try to steal her girl).

So what else would it be? The only thing that made any sense was that Fatin was going through something. Leah didn’t have a clue as to what it could be. Nobody was giving her flack for not putting in any effort, she did as much as the rest of them. It wasn’t a holiday or any of her family’s birthdays. If it was about either of her parents, Leah thought she would have felt comfortable enough to come to her. Fatin had told her about her mother’s obsession with perfection and her father’s infidelity. She had told her she was afraid of not being there for her brothers, knowing they needed a better adult figure in their lives.

Leah was lost. Had she done something to upset her? She couldn’t remember doing anything she hadn’t done before. She hadn’t said anything Fatin didn’t already know. Was there a boundary she had crossed without realizing it? Had something been the final straw? Was Fatin finally fed up with taking care of her? She knew she wasn’t easy, but she was trying. By god, she was trying so hard.

She watched the rolling waves. Observed how close the foamy water crawled toward her feet before retreating. The wind blew gently, throwing her hair across her face. Trying to brush it aside would do nothing, it would only just come loose in a second.

When she had left the group to take a walk along the beach by herself, the others gave her cautious glances. She knew they all were remembering when she had thrown herself into the sea, starving and raving about finding an escape. Looking back, she understood how terrified the others must have been. The look in Fatin’s eyes when Rachel had pulled her out of the water, it haunted Leah in her waking and sleeping moments.

Leah had almost died and it had shaken Fatin. She even remembered Fatin’s face when she had found Leah wandering through the woods in the middle of the night, drugged out of her mind. She didn’t remember much after getting dragged back to shore. Fatin’s eyes, being held, wanting her mom, crying, Fatin placing the drugs in her hand, waking up, staggering through the trees, Fatin finding her, Fatin gripping her hand a bit too tight, Fatin holding her close as they drifted off to sleep, waking with her head in Fatin’s lap, Fatin taking care of her all day while the drugs wore off.

Fatin had barely left her side after that. At first, Leah felt like a burden, like Fatin was just taking care of her to make sure she didn’t get herself killed. _“We’re friends, Rilke. It’s gonna take a lot more to get rid of me now.”_ She got used to it and soon it became comforting to know someone cared about her so much.

_A lot more_... Was that what it was? Leah was too much? Was that why when Leah announced she was going for a walk, that Fatin left her alone so easily?

“I’m going for a walk,” Leah said as she stood, brushing the sand off her pants.

Fatin started to stand as well.

  
“Alone.”

Fatin paused and looked up at Leah. Her forehead was creased, her eyes betrayed her concern, but she didn’t protest. If it was five days ago, she wouldn’t have let Leah go alone without a talk, making Leah promise to come back in ten minutes or else she would go looking for her.

But Fatin just sat back down. Leah glanced around at the others. None of them said anything, but she saw the looks in their eyes. She left.

It had been longer than ten minutes. Fatin wasn’t coming to look for her. Leah scratched her arms and wondered what was wrong with her.

A few more minutes went by before Leah heard footsteps in the sand approaching her. It might have been Fatin, but Leah bet it wasn’t.

“Hey.” Shelby.

Leah looked over as the blonde sat down next to her. Shelby gave her an uneasy smile.

Leah scoffed and Shelby looked confused.

“Fatin sent you to check on me, didn’t she?” She didn’t hide the annoyance in her voice.

“No…” Leah sent her a pointed look at the obvious lie. “Yes, she’s worried.”

A bitter laugh escaped. _Fatin’s worried, but couldn’t even check on Leah herself._

“What’s going on between you two? Y’all were thick as thieves.”

Leah looked out at the ocean, not bothering to respond.

“Did she… say something to you?”

It was an odd question to ask. Leah didn’t want to look into what Shelby meant.

“Quite the opposite, actually. She’s been avoiding me.”

“Why in the world would she do that?” Shelby sounded utterly confused.

“I’ve been asking myself the same thing.”

They were silent for a few moments. Leah hadn’t talked to anyone about how Fatin was acting and now that she got confirmation that there was something weird about the situation, she wanted to spill all the thoughts that had been running wild in her head.

“Maybe she’s trying to let me down easy. Pulling away so when she tells me she can’t… deal with me anymore, I won’t be left high and dry.”

“What? No!” Shelby sounded offended. “Leah, she cares about you _so much_.”

Leah scoffed again, “certainly doesn’t feel like it right now.”

“Fatin might just be dealing with something. Maybe she doesn’t want to bother you with it?”

Even Leah could tell that Shelby wasn't sure what to say.

“She never _bothers_ me. Whatever it is… I just want her to tell me. I thought that after everything… after all the _things_ I told her about, that she trusted me enough to tell me what it is that’s bothering her.”

Leah shifted her feet in the sand and bit her lip to keep herself from crying.

“I just… I want to tell her everything, my thoughts, my past, even all the shitty stuff. And I want her to tell me everything, too. I want to be the first person she tells about something, whether it's good or bad.”

She couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“She’s like…” her throat tightened, but she managed to get the rest out, “my favorite person.”

Shelby placed a soft hand on Leah’s arm. She looked down. She had been scratching at her arms without even noticing.

Leah looked over at her friend (if someone had asked her before or even right after the plane crash if she thought Shelby was going to be her friend, she would have said they were insane) and saw a wide smile on her face. It wasn’t pitiful, which Leah kind of expected it would have been, but instead it was… knowing?

“Why are you smiling like that?” She croaked, still crying.

“Well, it sounds to me like you’ve got a bit of a crush.”

“A crush? On Fatin?” For once, Leah’s mind was completely empty.

Shelby just nodded.

“But that doesn’t… I don’t…”

She thought about Fatin. How being so close to her while she remained so distant clutched at her heart and made her stomach churn. How having her arms around her at night calmed her racing mind, but made her pulse accelerate. How one of her silly little jokes could make Leah smile until her cheeks hurt.

Being around Fatin was… peaceful. Fatin never made her feel like she had to be someone else. There were some things Leah needed to work on and she was grateful that Fatin didn’t dance around the topics and was honest with her. But there wasn’t any pressure to be a certain person for Fatin, not like with Jeff.

With Jeff everything was stressful, even the good times. She didn’t realize how much of herself she gave up for him until afterwards. She stopped listening to some of her favorite music, she didn’t read any new books (she used to read a different one every week), she acted more mature to keep him from getting suspicious about her age, she picked up way more of his interests than he did hers. It was like every part of her that was genuine, she tailored and crafted to suit him. A thoughtless comment like “I always thought it was kind of lame” would shut Leah down. She would toss out things she used to hold dear at any sign of disinterest from Jeff.

That wasn’t the case with Fatin. Instead of dismissal, she got “I never really thought of it that way, that makes sense” or “I want to know what you really think about it” or “I’m not that into it, but if you like it, that’s good enough for me” and for the first time Leah really felt seen. She started to remember facts about herself, interests she used to have, and she shared them with Fatin. The responses were always positive, even when they didn’t see eye-to-eye.

Then there was all the… touching. They started off rocky, to say the least. But then Fatin hugged her and Leah started laying her head in Fatin’s lap on occasion. Then, after she almost drowned herself, it was like they were magnets, couldn't stop themselves from drifting closer to each other. That first night, Leah was so out of it and they were both so emotionally drained, they fell asleep in each other’s arms. The next night Leah tentatively asked Fatin to hold her again. The night after that, she only glanced at Fatin, too nervous to ask, and then Fatin was laying down next to her, opening her arms. They slept like that every night since.

It happened during the day, too. They almost always sat next to each other, shoulders touching or with someone’s head in the other’s lap. A hand on the other’s arm as they laughed at some joke. A hug to make the other feel better, or if they were too excited for words, or even when one of them came back from using the bathroom because “you were gone for soooo long” and Leah never knew there were so many reasons to hug someone.

They started holding hands one day when they were on water duty. Fatin slipped in mud on the walk to the falls and almost fell down a steep hill. Leah caught her hand before she could fully lose her balance. Then, she simply just didn’t let go, at least not until the excuse of “so you don’t slip again” didn’t apply anymore when they reached the waterfall. On their way back Fatin reached out and took Leah’s hand with a “so I don’t slip again” that Leah didn’t expect to sound so nervous. (And if her heart got caught in her throat, then that was between her and the trees.)

Leah was going crazy and it had everything to do with Fatin Jadmani, the girl she had a crush on. _Crush_. Sounded so juvenile. It felt like more.

“Holy shit. I’m in love with Fatin.”

“Wow. That was definitely not what I was expecting you to say next. Did you, like, figure that all out just now? In your head?”

Leah looked over at Shelby. Her first instinct was to snap _"where else would I figure it out if not in my head?"_ but Shelby's words were curious, not suspicious. Leah bit her tongue.

“It’s just that… you were thinkin’ for a while and I started to worry that you had, like… short circuited.”

Leah laughed. Genuinely. For the first time in four days since Fatin had started avoiding her. Shelby smiled.

“Thank you, Shelby.”

Her eyebrows came together in confusion as she looked at Leah.

“What for?”

“For coming to check on me, even if Fatin asked you to. And for pointing something out that _really_ should have been obvious to me.”

“You’re welcome, Leah. And I didn’t come to check on you just because Fatin asked. We’re friends. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Leah gave her a smile that actually reached her eyes. Shelby’s smile was small, but so full of love that Leah could feel it wash over her, warming her entire body despite the breeze and the chill of the night air. Shelby was radiant and Leah could see how easy it was for Toni to fall for her.

“So, you ready to head back, or you want to sit here a while longer?”

Leah looked out at the ocean. The endless spinning of her mind had slowed and she was able to breathe easier. She was still upset over Fatin ignoring her, but she finally knew the reason why it bothered her so much. There was a clarity, too. Everything she knew was the same as it had always been, but it was like she was seeing it all in a different light now that she understood her feelings for Fatin. She wasn’t going to let her slip away.

“Let’s go back.”

Shelby stood and offered a hand to Leah. She took it without reservation. Leah was pulled to her feet and they walked arm-in-arm back to camp, exchanging little jokes and laughing together under the half-full moon.

There was a large enough space around the fire for Leah and Shelby to sit next to each other. Toni handed them both lychees for a snack and they accepted them graciously. Leah looked over at Fatin across the fire, but she glanced away upon seeing Leah’s eyes on her. Dot turned to Fatin beside her and made some kind of joke. Fatin gave Dot her attention and laughed, light and airy. Leah could see the walls were up, Fatin retreated back to her easy-going attitude from the beginning of their time on the island. Dot didn’t notice. No one did but Leah.

That night Leah slept alone. Fatin didn’t put her arms around her and Leah didn’t ask her to. She could feel the warmth of Fatin’s body only a few inches away from her, but it felt like there were miles between them.

The next morning, Leah was unusually one of the first ones up. She wasn’t able to get much sleep the night before. She didn’t know how to feel about the realization that the only way she slept soundly any more was when she had Fatin wrapped around her.

Leah walked over to the task list. It was an unspoken agreement that the girls could choose their task the night before or wait until the morning to see what needed to be done. There was also an unspoken rule that none of them should choose their tasks the night before more than a three times in a row. It helped keep the rotation going and keep anyone from having to take whatever task was left over too many times.

Leah took a look at who had chosen what. Marty and Shelby had chosen food, the latter of the two already up and watching the fire. Dot had chosen water and she was off _somewhere_ , probably using the bathroom. Fatin was on fire duty, but was still fast asleep. Nora was on wood duty, Rachel hadn’t picked a task, and the two of them had apparently started holding hands while they slept (Leah was happy to see how much they had bonded recently). Toni hadn’t chosen a task either and was being spooned by Martha, which Leah decided to tease her about later once Toni’s grumpiness from the morning wore off.

Leah placed her rock under Dot’s, hoping to get as far away from Fatin for the day while she worked out a plan on how to confront her about her recent behavior. She didn’t want to come off as accusatory from how much her frustration had been building, she knew that it would only cause Fatin to hide behind the many walls and facades she put up to protect herself. Perhaps she would talk to Dot, seeing as she was the only other person that Fatin had really opened up to.

Dot came back a few minutes later. They ate some goat and berries for breakfast. (It was the third goat they killed and the second one they had started preserving. Nora had helped them build a water purifier to get the salt out of sea water and Shelby taught them how to make proper cuts to get the most meat from an animal. They were able to make goat jerky to last them longer and make the food more portable.) Then, they were on their way to the falls to collect water.

The hike up was fairly silent, save for the panting as they scaled the inclines. Dot didn't try to make conversation and neither did Leah. It seemed to suit them just fine. Leah found that the silence didn’t torment her as it normally did. It might have been the physical exertion or maybe it was just that Leah was finally sure of something she had no reason to doubt.

The words had been floating through her mind all morning, but they didn’t warp into thoughts she couldn’t control, didn’t make her lose her tether. _I’m in love with Fatin._ Those were the words, the only words, Leah focused on all morning. It was a welcome comfort as her malnourished muscles ached and the heat of the sun sweltered as she and Dot hiked the three mile trek to their only known clean water source.

Once they had arrived, they tossed aside their drawstring bags, leaving the bottles empty for the time being. The first thing any of them ever cared about when on water duty was to take a dip and cool off the second they got there. (They had started holding the bottles beneath the waterfall to collect the freshest, flowing water when Rachel made a comment one day when they were all there that it was like they were gathering their own bathwater to drink. She said at diving practice, she at least knew she was ingesting chemicals whenever she got a mouthful of water because all the chlorine made short work of whatever bacteria or fungi the other divers brought into the pool. Nobody wanted to drink the water they swam in after that, even if it was boiled.)

Leah stripped until she was down to her bra and underwear before jumping in. It wouldn’t take as long to dry and she wouldn’t chafe on the hike back. Dot wasn’t even phased. She had watched Leah walk naked into the ocean over a month ago. She knew how to tell when Leah was of sound mind. Dot joined her in the water, but kept her tank top and cargo shorts on.

They goofed off for a few minutes, splashing at each other and doing cannonballs off the rocks, they even played a few rounds of Marco Polo (Leah felt silly suggesting it, but Dot accepted with a wide smile), and soon they had tired themselves out. They laid down in the grass under the shade of a tree for their last few minutes of down time before they had to fill up the bottles and head back.

Leah pondered asking Dot about Fatin. She wondered if she knew why Fatin was avoiding her. Though, asking her might make it worse, since Leah knew it was an answer she needed to come from Fatin herself. But she was getting nervous just thinking about approaching Fatin. She didn’t know how to broach the topic, didn’t know what to say that would convince her not to run away.

“I can hear you thinking from here.”

Leah turned her head to look over at Dot. Her eyes were closed and both hands were clasped behind her head as she lay flat on her back. She gave no indication that she had ever looked at Leah before speaking.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise not to call you crazy if it’s about the island.” She still didn’t open her eyes.

Leah looked up at the leaves overhead, how the sun shone through them and gave everything a spectacular, yet light, tint of green. She bit her lip. _Fuck it._

“Fatin’s been avoiding me.” It was harder to talk about than she predicted. Leah felt her throat tightening. It was like she couldn’t get out a single damn sentence about Fatin without feeling the need to cry.

She pushed on, “there’s something bothering her and she won’t tell me what it is. The past _five_ _days_ she has barely talked to me, barely looked at me, and she acts like she doesn’t even care, but I can see it in her eyes, she hasn’t stopped caring.”

Leah looked back over at Dot, slightly surprised to see she was already looking at her. She had a kind expression that was also a bit sad. Leah knew that at the very least, Dot had noticed how Fatin had been acting around her. But if she knew why Fatin was acting that way, she didn’t say.

Dot looked up at the leaves overhead, arms now beside her tugging at the grass, and appeared to be mulling something over. Leah waited patiently, needing to hear whatever Dot was going to say. She stared, waiting for her to find the words.

“When my dad was sick, my whole life revolved around him.”

Leah was expecting her to say something about Fatin or possibly Leah herself. She wasn’t expecting Dot to talk about her father. But Leah knew there was a point to the story and she knew how painful it was for Dot to talk about her dad, so she let her continue.

“Every second when I was at school, I was worrying about him or scheduling out times to make some quick cash or go to the store for more supplies. I didn’t really have a life.

“I had no friends. There was Mateo, but he was just like… the nurse. We didn’t have a friendship where I felt comfortable telling him things I kept from my dad. And there were _a lot_ of things I kept from him. I didn’t tell him how bad my grades were. Didn’t tell him I was dealing drugs. Didn’t tell him how much I was afraid that I was going to wake up one day to find out he had died without me getting the chance to say goodbye.”

Dot’s voice cracked. Leah reached out and laid a gentle hand on her forearm.

“He hated feeling like a burden. He just wanted me to be a teenager, to go hang out with friends and only worry about small things like turning in my homework on time or coming home before curfew. But I was always at home taking care of him. He might have thought I hated it… I don’t know. I never did, though. It was hard and sometimes I probably needed a break. But I loved him and didn’t want him to go through it all alone.”

Leah wasn’t entirely sure what point Dot was trying to make, but her words struck home. Constantly, the fear of being a burden hovered over Leah, like a blue eyed devil on her shoulder. On more than one occasion, she would have a sudden moment of clarity through the haze of her mind and she would notice Fatin practically spoon feeding her, or washing her hair, or helping her change into fresher clothes. In an instant she would feel like she was forcing Fatin to throw her life away to take care of her. She felt so useless, unable to take care of herself, dragging Fatin away from the other girls. It would trigger a breakdown, where the only words she could say was “I’m sorry” as she cried until she wore herself out or expelled all the water from her body. Fatin just held her, rocking her gently and rubbing circles on her back. She would whisper things like “its okay” and “I’m here” and “I got you” and Leah would only feel worse.

“I didn’t tell him things because I didn’t want him to have to worry about me. But isn’t that what parents are _supposed_ to do?

“He knew there were things I wasn’t telling him and I think that made it worse. I think it made him feel like more of a burden, like I thought he was too fragile to handle it. I never thought he was fragile, I just thought I was saving him from more pain.”

Dot stopped. Leah left her hand on her arm, trying not to cry from what Dot had just told her. She didn’t know what to say, but she felt like she had to say something in the growing silence.

“Dot…”

“Hold on,” Leah could tell Dot had been holding back tears as well, “there was a point to all that.”

Leah shut her mouth. Dot turned her head to face her. Her eyes were watery and Leah suspected her own were too.

“What I was trying to say was…” she cleared her throat. “I think Fatin, in her infinite wisdom of never thinking through decisions, is just doing the same. I think she might just be trying to save you from the pain of whatever it is she isn’t telling you.”

Anger flared up inside her. She went to open her mouth, but Dot cut her off before she could make a sound.

“Leah.” A warning to stay silent for a few moments longer. “You’re not a burden. You’re not fragile. But you’ve been through some serious shit and it fucked you up.”

Leah chewed at her bottom lip.

“Your mind takes you to some seriously dark places sometimes and I think Fatin’s just worried about piling something else on you if you’re not mentally ready to deal with it. I think she went about it in a really shitty way, but she’s just trying to look out for you.”

Leah opened her mouth and this time Dot didn’t give her a look to shut up.

“She’s being a real selfish bitch about it.” There was irritation behind her words, but from the small smile it pulled from Dot, she understood Leah wasn’t entirely angry. “But I think I understand what you’re saying.”

“Sometimes we all fall back on old, toxic behavior. I know I still catch myself working too hard. I have to remind myself that I don’t need to carry everything all on my own. I think Fatin has just forgotten that for a moment.”

She looked up at the tree. Leah did the same.

“Progress ain’t linear. It’s normal to have moments where we act like we did before. It doesn’t mean all the progress is gone. We just gotta remember to keep trying.”

Leah blew out a breath. It was moments like these she wished she knew how to whistle.

“Fuck. That’s some wise-ass shit you just said.’

“I know, it’s like we reversed roles. Now I’m the future english major and you're the one with a sailor’s mouth.”

  
  
“Hey, I’ll have you know I swear, too.” She pointed a faux-accusatory finger at Dot even though neither one of them were looking at the other.

“Yeah I know, you just don’t _look_ like it.”

  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” It’s said lightly, but Leah was actually interested to know the answer.

“I dunno… you got this, like... weirdly cute, academic, hipster coffee shop, straight-A’s look to you.”

“You think I’m cute?” She teased.

“God, what is with you guys and taking every compliment like it’s me coming out to you?” Leah doesn’t need to look to hear the smile in her voice.

“It’s –”

“– the cargo pants,” they said in unison.

“Yes, I know.” Dot said with a sigh that lacked any hint of annoyance.

They sat there a few moments longer. Leah’s hand still rested on Dot’s forearm, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was almost midday and they needed to head back to camp soon.

“Thanks, Dot. I think… I’m going to try talking to Fatin tonight.”

“Good. If she keeps on avoiding you, I’ll be sure to give her a quick kick in the ass to make sure you actually get that talk with her.”

Leah laughed, imagining Dot giving Fatin a literal kick in the ass (she knew she would just urge Fatin to talk to her, but it was a funny mental image nonetheless).

“Let’s go get that water, shall we? Don’t need anyone to die of thirst out there.” Leah said as she stood and helped Dot to her feet.

“I think Toni and Shelby are already dying of thirst. I don’t think they’ve fucked for a few days.”

“Jesus, Dot.” She shoved playfully at Dot’s shoulder.

“What?” She asked with a laugh. “It’s kinda hard to miss those looks they keep giving each other. I wouldn’t be surprised if they ‘took a walk’ tonight and didn’t come back until morning.”

“Well, I really hope I don’t run into them when I take Fatin for a walk to get her to talk to me.”

“As long as you stay out of the woods, I think you’ll be fine.”

They laughed, thinking fondly of their friends, and went about their work. They were heading back to camp before the sun had even begun to fall from its peak in the sky.


	3. Days 38 & 40: I love you!/You love me?

Fatin sat around the fire with Rachel and Toni. Their stomachs were satisfied from the lunch they had just eaten and they were lounging around sharing funny and pleasant memories from their lives. Rachel was scheduled for a relaxation day, but she always had too much energy to sit still, so she had helped Toni wash the laundry and between the two of them, they had finished fairly quickly. That gave Fatin only about two hours to herself that morning as she kept an eye on the fire and the tide.

She spent the whole time thinking. About Leah. Of course. The past few days she had been trying to give herself space. She hadn’t known until her talk with Toni that her feelings had been clouding her judgement with Leah. Leah just needed comfort, a shoulder to cry on, a guiding light, a _friend_.

Fatin had been acting on impulses for so long, she didn’t know how to separate her feelings from their friendship. She didn’t know how to be the friend Leah needed without fearing she was just taking advantage of her to satisfy her desires for something more. Because Fatin _did_ want more and she hated herself for it. She wasn’t the right person for Leah. Fatin slept around. She did sex. It was fun and easy. No strings attached. With Leah, there were so many strings. Fatin was struggling to disentangle herself.

Leah needed someone solid. She deserved someone who could give her the world, someone who was loyal and stable in their affection. Loyalty didn’t run in the Jadmani blood.

Sounds of laughter brought Fatin out of her head. She had been staring unfocused at the fire, so she turned her attention to the two girls across from her before they noticed she had been mentally absent.

“You suck at this. Do it again.” Toni smiled, then leaned back and opened her mouth wide.

Rachel grabbed another berry from her palm and primed her arm, ready to fire. She threw it into a high arc. Fatin watched it disappear into Toni’s mouth. Her eyes went wide and she cheered, biting down on the berry. Their high five turned into clasped hands and they shook one another’s arms kind of roughly, whooping and hollering the whole time. Fatin felt herself smile at their antics.

Movement down the beach caught Fatin’s eye. She watched Dot and Leah round the corner. Her and Leah’s eyes locked and she felt her stomach drop. Leah looked calm, almost eerily so.

There was a look in her eyes that Fatin hadn’t seen before. It wasn’t the manic glint when she fell down a spiral of conspiracies about the island. It wasn’t the fear and sadness after waking up in the middle of the night from a bad dream. It wasn’t the mischief after making a joke that left Fatin in stitches. It wasn’t the hurt Fatin saw every time she looked at her over the past few days.

It looked intentionally void of any emotions. It was the first time since Fatin had first hugged her that Leah was closed-off. That wall was back up that Fatin had inadvertently broken down with “I’m gonna try something right now, and I can’t promise it’s gonna go okay.” Whatever the cause, Fatin was sure it wasn’t a good sign.

Fatin turned her attention back to Toni and Rachel, who had swapped roles in trying to toss berries into the other’s mouth. Fatin’s smile never faltered and she was able to keep herself from looking over at Leah again.

Leah really hadn't formulated any type of plan on how she was going to get Fatin to talk to her. She should have been thinking about it on her walk back to the camp. But, when the firepit came into view and Leah’s eye automatically fell on Fatin and she saw a glimpse of… fear?... in her eyes, she knew she needed to talk to her _soon_.

Dot plopped down between Fatin and Toni and immediately asked the latter to toss some berries into her mouth, too. Leah sat down next to Rachel and left enough space around the circle for the absent three girls to sit between her and Fatin. She slid the bag from her shoulders and pulled out the water bottles she had been carrying. Rachel grabbed the bottles as Leah placed them in the sand and set them on the outer edge of the fire.

Nora returned a few moments later with various sizes of wood for the fire. Once she was settled in and Dot’s collection of water bottles were ready to be boiled, the three of them ate a late lunch. Martha and Shelby returned less than an hour later, bringing with them enough food for dinner that night, some snacks, and for breakfast and lunch the next day.

Leah was having a good day, all things considered. She laughed easily with the others and shared stories from her childhood (a lot of recent ones mentioned Ian and when Fatin bit at her cheek or clenched her fists, Leah pretended not to notice). Everything was fine, except they weren’t really. She kept waiting for the perfect opportunity to ask Fatin to go for a walk, but the perfect opportunity never came.

“Hey Leah, can you pass me a water?”

Leah released her lip, not sure when she had begun biting it. She grabbed a bottle and leaned over to hand it to Dot. As Dot grabbed it, she gave her a look that Leah took to meant “you better fucking talk to Fatin.” She sat back and watched as Dot unscrewed the cap and took a long drink.

Leah’s heart was pounding. She knew it was then or never. She rose to her feet, not as quickly as the last time, and was glad when only two sets of eyes followed her movements. Dot was watching and giving her a reassuring smile. Fatin was watching, too, but her face was expressionless. Her eyes held that look of pain Leah couldn’t place. Leah stared at her and motioned her head for Fatin to join her. She walked away from the circle of her friends, not waiting for Fatin to join her. She knew Dot would have her back.

Fatin watched as Leah stood. The urge to go with her was gnawing at her, but she didn’t want company the last time, so Fatin stayed put. Leah fixed her with an intense gaze and made a “come here” movement with her head. Then, she was walking away. Part of Fatin wanted to follow and part of her wanted to avoid any and all confrontation.

She felt a jab in her side and looked over to see Dot glaring at her. Fatin rubbed at her ribs, almost positive she was going to have a bruise the next day.

“You better go after her,” Dot warned. The look in her eyes and the strength of her voice made Fatin hesitate.

“Fuck, Dorothy. I will, alright,” Fatin relented, her voice shaky.

She swallowed down her nerves and stood. Turning around, she saw that Leah was already almost twenty feet away. Fatin rushed over to catch up to her. She slowed to a walk once she was alongside her, keeping a couple feet of distance between them so Fatin didn’t do something stupid like try to hold her hand.

They walked in silence for a little while. Fatin’s anxieties increased with every step. She didn’t know if they were going somewhere in particular or how long it was going to be before Leah said something. She wasn’t even sure if she was supposed to be the one to speak first.

After they were far enough down the beach for no one to see or hear them, Leah came to a sudden stop. Fatin almost tripped over herself as she slowed to a stop as well. She snuck a glance at Leah and was relieved to see she wasn’t already looking at her. But she didn’t like the troubled expression on Leah’s face as she bit her lip and stared absently at the ground.

Leah looked up and for the first time that day, Fatin could see all the emotion swirling in her ocean eyes. Fatin turned her body towards her, knowing Leah had something she wanted to say.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” it came out strangled and quiet. The sound was like a stab to Fatin’s heart.

“I haven’t.” Her own denial twisted the blade deeper.

“Quit lying.” Leah was mad. Fatin thought she deserved it.

“I wouldn’t lie to you, Leah.”

“Bullshit.” The look on Leah’s face reminded Fatin of the one she saw right before she wiped her blood on Leah’s cheeks.

It was all Fatin’s fault, she knew that. But she would rather have Leah hate her than have her tear herself apart trying to love Fatin. Fatin wouldn’t do what Jeff did. She wouldn’t let Leah catch feelings just to be destroyed by them when she left her. Because it was inevitable, Fatin was her father’s daughter and she would ruin whatever her and Leah had.

When Fatin didn’t respond, Leah decided to just keep talking. If she wasn’t going to answer Leah, then at the very least, she was going to have to hear everything Leah had to say.

“You’ve been avoiding me, and you know it. I don’t know why you’re doing it or what it is you’re keeping from me, but I’m sick of it. We’re _friends_ , Fatin. I want you to tell me what’s bothering you.”

“I can’t.” Fatin met her eyes, but there was no fire there. Only sadness.

“Can’t or won’t?”

Fatin looked away, at the sea. Leah pushed the heels of her palms to her eyes and tried to take deep breaths. She was fighting back the need to cry, but every second made it harder. She looked at Fatin.

“Why won’t you talk to me? I need you to talk to me.”

Fatin continued staring out at the ocean. The sun was beginning to set and it would have been beautiful if Leah didn’t feel so awful. Tears were in her eyes and anger boiled beneath her skin. She just wanted to reach out and hug Fatin, have her hug back. She wanted them to be best friends again (Fatin wasn’t one for relationships, Leah knew that. She would suffer a lifetime of unrequited love as long as she had Fatin as a friend).

“I miss you, Fatin!” Her voice was beginning to rise in volume and the wind was likely to carry it back to camp, but Leah didn’t give a flying fuck. “I miss your stupid jokes when I’m having a bad day. I miss listening to you talk about make-up or classical music even though I don’t know a goddamn thing about either topic. I miss you giving me hugs after we spent five hours or five minutes apart. I miss falling asleep in your arms.”

Fatin felt the signs of a headache forming from the strength at which she furrowed her brows. She dug her nails into her palms to keep herself from doing something stupid. She turned to look at Leah, hesitantly meeting her gaze.

“I miss you so much, it’s driving me crazy! I’m overanalyzing and obsessing over every little thing you do or don’t do. I feel like I’m going insane and the only person who ever makes me feel okay won’t fucking talk to me.”

One of Fatin’s hands loosened and began to reach out, but she caught herself and brought it back to her side. Leah laughed dryly. She gave Fatin a harsh look of “I told you so” and ran a hand through her hair.

“Even now, when I’m practically _begging_ you to touch me, you retreat. I can tell it’s killing you just as much as it’s killing me. We both know we want to go back to how it was, so what the fuck is stopping us?”

Fatin opened her mouth, but didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t sound dreadfully pitiful. She shut it. Leah shook her head and wiped away a tear, not caring to hold them back any longer.

“I just want you to talk to me. After everything we’ve told each other I thought…” Leah swallowed. She spoke softer. “What is it? Why won’t you tell me? Is it me? Am I too much?”

“No,” Fatin demanded, voice barely above a whisper.

Leah scoffed, more tears falling from her eyes that she quickly brushed away.

“Oh so now she speaks?! You know you have some nerve, treating me like shit one moment and trying to make me feel better the next.”  
  
It was cruel, unnecessarily so. Leah knew that. But she couldn’t take it back.

Fatin pulled her mouth into a flat line. She bit the inside of her cheek. Speaking had somehow made matters worse when all Leah had asked her to do was talk. Granted, Fatin knew she wasn’t actually saying any of the things she should have been saying.

“Whatever it is you won’t tell me… Damn it, Fatin, I love you! I don’t care if it’s some deep, dark secret. If you think I can’t handle it somehow, that I’m too fragile, you’re so fucking wrong. I just want you to tell me, I just want you to trust me.”

Leah took a breath. She realized a second after that she had been yelling.

“You love me?” There were other things that needed to be addressed, but that was the only thing Fatin’s brain decided to focus on.

“Fuck! Yes, Fatin. I am horribly, completely, unequivocally, head-over-heels in love with you.”

There was no doubt that the others had heard that.

Fatin stood there, stock still. Her mouth was slightly agape and a single tear ran down her cheek.

One second she was standing three feet away and the next she was rushing forward. Her hands found Leah’s cheeks and she pulled her face down to reach her lips.

And then they were kissing. Adrenaline from her anger was coursing through Leah’s veins, but she still felt her heartbeat quicken and her face flush. She was so mad at Fatin, but she didn’t dare push her away. Her fingers found the front of Fatin’s sweatshirt and gripped it tightly, pulling her body closer.

Fatin kissed her with a passion she had been lacking in her life for so long. She poured into it everything she had been too terrified to say, “I’m sorry” and “you’re not fragile” and “I missed you too” and “I was such a cunt to you” and “I love you I love you I love you.” She knew she would actually need to talk it out, but for the time being, she just kissed Leah and basked in the feeling of her kissing back.

When they broke apart, neither of them could breathe. They stood there, eyes closed and foreheads touching, trying to catch their breaths. Leah was the first to move. She let go of Fatin’s sweatshirt and placed her hands on her hips, pushing Fatin away gently.

Fatin’s hands dropped from Leah’s face as she took a step back. She grabbed her own hand, keeping herself from reaching out, unsure if that would make things worse. She felt tears streaming down her face, but couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it.

Leah took a few deep breaths. Her tears had stopped and her anger subsided slightly. She looked at Fatin and her heart broke. She never liked seeing Fatin cry, but Leah knew it wasn’t her job to wipe her tears away and tell her it was all okay, as much as she wanted to.

“You need to talk, now.” Leah spoke softly, but her words were firm.

“I’m so sorry, Leah. I was such a cunt to you.” This earned Fatin a small chuckle.

“But seriously. I was being selfish and I thought I was doing what was best for you, but now I see that all I was doing was hurting you. I pushed you away ‘cause I thought if I told you... I would just make things worse for you. I didn’t want my…” Fatin still wasn’t ready to say that word, “feelings to be a burden on you.”

Leah wore a soft, sad smile. Fatin took a breath before continuing.

“I feel like a piece of shit. Not just because I was avoiding you, but because… I don’t know shit about love. I was afraid, Leah, and I’m still afraid that I’m going to _ruin_ you. How do I know I’m not going to be the next Jeff Galanis –” she hated the way Leah flinched at the name “– in your life? How do I know I’m not going to turn into my dad? I don’t want that for you, Leah. You deserve so much better.”

“Fatin, I don’t give a shit about what you think I deserve. I want _you_ . You’re nothing like Jeff. For a start, you’re fucking seventeen not thirty. You don’t pressure me to do things I don’t want to do. You don’t make me feel like an idiot for having my own interests. You make me feel _safe_.

“And as for your dad, he _chooses_ to hurt people. He broke your trust, he broke your mom’s trust, and he broke his commitment to her. The fact that you don’t want to be him is proof enough you would never _choose_ to hurt me.”

“But I did hurt you.” Fatin knew Leah wasn’t going to let it go. She had that determined look in her eyes and would fight Fatin on her self-deprecating comments until the stars came out and the moon was high in the sky.

“Fatin, you weren’t _trying_ to hurt me.” Fatin opened her mouth to object, but Leah just kept talking. “Fatin, I’m not giving you an excuse for your shitty behavior. I’m just saying… sometimes you’re gonna fuck up. Sometimes I’m gonna fuck up. You think Toni and Shelby have a perfect relationship?”

Fatin shook her head slightly. Toni and Shelby kind of hated each other at first and they had argued a lot. They looked like a perfect, happy couple now, though Fatin knew the trauma they endured in their lives was bound to cause friction. But she knew those two wouldn’t give up on each other.

Leah remembered what Dot had told her earlier that day. Her words had struck a chord within her and had left a mark on her mind.

“Sometimes we all fall back on toxic behavior. It doesn’t mean all the progress we’ve made is lost. It just means we gotta keep trying.”

Leah gave Fatin a small smile and her heart swelled when she got one in return. She stepped forward and placed her hands on Fatin’s cheeks, using her thumbs to wipe away the tear stains. It had been a while since Fatin stopped crying, but Leah could see some tears still threatening to fall.

“So, the past few days you fell back on old behavior by pushing me away. Now you gotta try.”

Fatin wrapped her arms around Leah’s back and pulled her in for a hug, tucking her head in the crook of her neck. Leah removed her hands from Fatin’s face in favor of wrapping her arms around her. Fatin let her tears fall on Leah’s sweater and felt the fabric on her own shoulder growing damp as well. They stood there for what felt like forever, holding onto each other for dear life.

Fatin heard Leah mumble something and pulled away just enough to look at her. Leah was biting her lip and Fatin felt the urge to make her stop with a kiss. She didn’t, yet.

“What was that?”

“I asked what it was exactly that you were trying to keep from me.” She looked nervous, like she was afraid Fatin wouldn’t tell her.

“I, um… I realized I have feelings for you.” It sounded stupid and childish to Fatin, but Leah began smiling a wide, toothy smile and that was all that mattered.

“Feelings? Fatin Jadmani, I thought you didn’t do feelings?” It was teasing, light, happy. Even though the words echoed one of Fatin’s fears, she found herself smiling along. The words no longer applied, anyways.

“Well, you must be pretty damn special, Leah Rilke, if you’ve managed to break my one and only rule.” Fatin couldn’t finish her sentence without breaking into a smile.

Leah laughed and it was like music to Fatin’s ears (she would never admit that. It was cliché and sappy and she still needed to keep up her bad-ass attitude). The sun setting behind Fatin was causing Leah’s eyes to sparkle, or perhaps that was all Leah herself.

Leah bit her lip. Her eyes flicked down to Fatin’s smile and back up to her eyes. Fatin’s whole demeanor had changed. Throughout their whole (mostly one-sided) conversation, she had been closed off. She stood before Leah, their arms wrapped around each other, and presented her soul. Fatin’s openness tugged at Leah’s heartstrings. She leaned forward and kissed her.

It was soft and slow. Their first one had been passionate and strong, filled with bursting emotions. Their second was sweeter. There was plenty of emotion in this kiss, but it was steady and warm, more grounded than the first.

Fatin sighed into her mouth, feeling relief wash over her body. Leah smiled against her lips and kissed her again. And again. And again. And then Leah was pulling back, but not to break their embrace.

“As much as I would love to stand here and kiss you all night, I’m getting cold.”

Fatin laughed and planted a quick peck on her lips before extracting herself from the hug. Before she could get two steps away, Leah reached out to take her hand. They threaded their fingers together and Fatin felt her heart race.

They walked side-by-side, shoulders brushing against each other, back to camp. Just as they reached the last bend in the cliff, Leah stopped walking and pulled Fatin to a halt. A moment of panic shot through Fatin as she wondered why Leah would stop them before they saw camp.

“Fatin, I want us to go back to normal.” Leah paused.

“I do, too.”

Leah nodded, happy that Fatin agreed. But she was still forming her next words in her mind. There was more she wanted to say.

“But that conversation… it’s not entirely over.” She saw fear in Fatin’s eyes. Things weren’t coming out like she wanted them to. “I’m trying to say we need to establish good communication. I don’t want a repeat of what’s been happening the past few days. And I think there’s things that still need to be addressed.”

Fatin didn’t look as worried. Leah wet her lips, she really needed some chapstick.

“When we’re ready, I want us to have an honest conversation about… us. I want to talk about your fears and my fears and what we want in this… relationship.” She said the last word like a question. Leah knew the feelings were there on both sides, but she didn’t want to presume that all that kissing meant they were dating.

Fatin just smiled, nodded, and squeezed Leah’s hand. Leah knew that she understood.

“But, like, until we do talk… you’re welcome to kiss me anytime you like.”

Fatin smiled again and Leah thought she was going to kiss her. Instead, she brought their joined hands up to her face and kissed the back of Leah’s hand. She felt her heart melt.

“You’re going to be the death of me, Jadmani.”

All she got was a devilish smirk before Fatin started walking. They rounded the corner of the cliff, immediately spotting the camp. The girls sat around the fire in the same spots Leah and Fatin had left them in. As they got closer, Rachel stood and took Fatin’s old seat next to Dot, leaving a space in the circle for Fatin and Leah to sit together.

As soon as they sat down, Leah leaned into Fatin’s side, entangling their bodies much like she had done five days before. They had to release their hands to do so, but the second Leah got comfortable, she found Fatin’s hand again and laced their fingers.

Besides a few smiles sent their way, none of the girls brought it up. Leah could tell from the looks on their faces, they heard at least some of what she had yelled. It didn’t bother her, they knew a lot of shit about her already (and had kind of seen her naked). She knew they were just respecting her and Fatin’s privacy, waiting for them to be the ones to broach the topic first. In due time.

Leah was the first of the eight to go to bed. All that emotional turmoil and yelling took a lot out of her. Fatin followed her immediately, laying down behind her and wrapping an arm around her stomach, pulling Leah flush against her. Leah placed her hand over Fatin’s and threaded their fingers. A kiss was pressed into her shoulder.

“They’re so fucking cute, I wanna barf,” Leah heard Dot whisper from across the fire.

A faint smile tugged at Leah’s lips and it remained there as she fell asleep.

* * *

They were on food duty that day. Fatin had moved her and Leah’s rocks under that task the night before and rejoined Leah by the fire. She had a curious look on her face, but didn’t ask and for that Fatin was grateful. She didn’t have the nerves to talk about it just then, but she knew she needed to get something off her chest the next day. Being out in the woods, far away from everyone else would hopefully give her the courage to get it out.

Being alone with Leah in the forest did not give Fatin courage. She was buzzing with anxiety. She knew Leah could sense it. They went about collecting berries and lychees and stuffing their bags in silence. It was eating away at Fatin and she knew full well she had gotten herself into that mess.

“I was thinking…” Fatin blurted out before she could form the rest of her sentence.

Leah stopped picking lychees and looked over at Fatin. The sun was streaming through the trees and left little spots of light all over Leah. Her hair was greasy from only ever getting rinsed, her forehead was peeling from her sunburn, and there were random holes and stains on her clothing. Fatin’s heart caught in her throat. She was beautiful.

“I know, I was starting to worry,” Leah teased.

Fatin chuckled slightly, but she was still jittery with nerves. Leah bit her lip and Fatin’s eyes locked on the movement.

“You know, it's supposed to be _my_ job to do all the thinking. Your job is to stand there and look pretty.”

Pretty? Leah was… flirting? Fatin felt herself flush. She wanted to kiss her. She realized she could. Fatin took the few steps needed to reach Leah and, somewhat ungraciously, smashed their lips together. She gripped Leah’s hips and kissed her deeply. Leah smiled and wrapped her arms around Fatin’s neck. The kiss was hot and rough and needy. Fatin nipped at Leah’s lip, carefully as she knew she had a habit of chewing it until it bled. Leah made a strangled sort of noise in the back of her throat, causing Fatin to grip her hips harder.

They made out, breathing heavily, pushing against each other. Fatin slid a few fingers under the hem of Leah’s shirt. Leah sucked in a breath and pulled her face back an inch.

“Fatin,” it came out low and stirred something in Fatin’s gut. “I don’t…”

Fatin stilled. Leah sounded unsure. She retracted her hands and placed them safely on Leah’s hips, then pulled back to rest their foreheads together. Fatin opened her eyes, but Leah’s remained tightly closed, her forehead creased from distress. Leah let out a shaky breath.

“I’m sorry,” she sounded so sad, Fatin’s mood dropped instantly like someone had dumped a glass of ice water on her.

“It’s okay.” Fatin meant it.

“Can we just… sit?” She still hadn’t opened her eyes, but her brows were no longer pulled together.

“Of course.”

Fatin stepped back and Leah finally opened her eyes. It was reassuring to see there were no tears. They sat on the ground, cross-legged and facing each other. Fatin took Leah’s hands in her own and waited for her to speak. She rubbed soothing patterns on the backs and palms of Leah’s hands.

“I didn’t know I was going to react like that. It’s just that… your touch… it shouldn’t’ve…” she took a breath then continued, “I saw _him_ and I hated it. I don’t want to think about him when we… I don’t want to think about him _ever_.”

Leah felt bile in the back of her throat. She had been happy, she had been enjoying her moment, enjoying kissing Fatin and then _he_ had to go and ruin it. In that moment, the only things she could feel were Fatin’s lips on hers, her hair tickling her arms, her body pressed against her and then fingers were grazing against her bare skin and her brain flung her back to lying in a hotel bed with Jeff’s head on her stomach, trailing his fingers against her side.

It wasn’t fair, to Fatin or to Leah, that Jeff fucking Galanis had to ruin such a perfect moment when he was thousands of miles away. She was over him, but the ghost of his touch still haunted her and she wanted him to go away for good.

“It’ll be okay, Leah. I don’t want to pressure you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

Leah looked up at Fatin from where she had been staring at their hands. There was no anger, no irritation, just care and concern. She had expected Fatin to be disappointed, but she should have known Fatin ran deeper than that.

“I do want to… with you,” Leah wasn’t sure why she couldn’t just say sex or sleep with. She looked back down at their hands. “But I don’t know when I’ll be ready.”

“Leah,” Fatin squeezed her hands, pulling Leah’s gaze back up to meet her eyes, “I don’t care how long it takes, I’ll wait.”

“But you, like, love sex.”

Fatin shrugged.

“Yeah, but not as much as I love you.”

Fatin’s eyes instantly went comically wide. Leah smiled.

“You love me?”

Fatin’s momentary panic had subsided and her mouth twitched, threatening to pull up into a smile as she tried to school her features.

“Don’t make me say it again, I’m a bad bitch and have a reputation to uphold,” she joked. Her eyes told Leah all she needed to know.

Leah leaned forward, their knees knocking together. Fatin met her halfway for a soft kiss. They smiled against each other’s lips and kissed again.

Fatin pulled back just enough to say “I love you, Leah Rilke.”

A smile, then, “I love you, too, Fatin Jadmani.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end?
> 
> I kinda want to leave it as is. But I do have some ideas for another chapter, so if I write another, expect it to be uploaded within the next week. For now, it is complete.
> 
> Thank you all for your kudos and lovely comments. They made me smile <3


End file.
